nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
