I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
