they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
