Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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