I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I supernannyed him into submission
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
