it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is Oprah even human
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
