I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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