I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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