Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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