I just made out with a guy for $7.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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