I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
