I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
