My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
