Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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