Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
