I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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