Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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