From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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