Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
