He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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