you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
