She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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