I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
