My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
