My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
