K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
