my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
