Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
