That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Farmville is her only friend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
