Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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