I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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