just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
