I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
