also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
