I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
