I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
