is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
