I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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