Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
