Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
