Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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