Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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