I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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