I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We're too hungover to prance.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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