I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
