And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
