look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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