NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
