were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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