"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
