my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
